I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing....

...it could have something to do with the fact that all my clothes are pulling apart at the seams and I can barely zip my fat pants. Those size 6s and 8s have been buried under piles of 14s, 16s and 18s and it makes me want to cry. How could I do this again? I swore I wasn't going to let it happen AGAIN. I guess I'm in good company because it's happened to the best of us. Even the weight loss rock stars who lost the weight, wrote books, appeared in commercials and went on whirlwind tours promoting their weight loss only to be in the exact same position I find myself in. Why? Why? WHY? Why do we do this to ourselves over and over again? We are so much happier and healthier but we find ourselves right back to where we started or even further back from our starting line. Why?

I so desperately wanted to be one of those success stories. I want to break the trend and KEEP IT OFF. I worked extremely hard to lose 101 pounds and I wanted to prove to myself that I really did figure out how to take care of myself. Obviously, I still have a lot to learn.

I'm still reading and finding inspiration in your blogs but every single time I sat down to post my own all I came up with sounded whiny and depressing. Who wants to read that? I work long hours at a stressful job (although it is better than the last place I worked). I haven't been able to get to my kickboxing classes or make anything but sporadic appearances at the gym. I started eating out more often and stress eating just like the bad ol' days even though I know better. Little by little I let it all (almost) slip away again. I've just been having a big ol' pity party for myself because I've regained so much weight and I like my pity parties to be solitary affairs which is why I didn't invite all of you to join me. I thought I learned my lesson this last time. I thought I was going to be able to have Adventures in Maintenance just like these amazing ladies (Lori, Cammy, Shelley, Debby and Lynn) who finally figured it all out.

Losing the weight isn't enough, I've done that. Learning to love working out isn't enough, I've done that too. Whatever I've been doing and not doing this past year and a half isn't enough and I know I can do better. I have to do better. I have to find a way to lose the weight AGAIN and, more importantly, KEEPING IT OFF.

I want to crawl in a big, deep, dark hole every time I see someone I haven't seen in a while. I know what they are thinking ... "what happened? it's so sad she regained all that weight back." Of course, that is nothing compared to what I say to myself when I look in the mirror or try on pants that were falling off me 2 years ago that I can't get past my thighs. It is NOT pretty.

What is it going to take for me to learn this lesson? Why do I keep making the same mistakes? Where is that determination and focus I had? Was it just a matter of having the time to take care of myself? How do I make the time I need to take care of myself a priority? How do I stop eating my feelings? I know, I know...JUST DO IT! Oh, it's so simple...but so much easier said than done.

I'll come back soon and fill you in on all the family drama, job opportunities found and lost and big moves happening in my life and hopefully I'll be able to report that I'm back on track to lose this fat suit AGAIN and will, eventually, join my heroes in the Adventures in Maintenance.

Here I go again...